Season Finale - Un-thinkable (I'm Ready) by Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys reminds us to love in the present—and makes me think of a story from my childhood that is a perfect example of why we should.

Transcript

Un-thinkable – Alicia Keys

Hey there. Welcome to the season finale of Love Lines. I’m happy you are here.

Today I want to talk about the way we sometimes take love and relationships for granted. 

We think love will always be there. That people will always be there. We put love on the backburner waiting for the perfect time, moment, or circumstance to invest in it—or to give someone our full attention. We can be so hesitant to move forward or get serious with someone we love, thinking the timing isn’t right. But, what is the “right time?” What does that even mean?

Now, if you’re healing from a breakup or otherwise not in the right mental and emotional space to properly love someone, I get that. Hurt people hurt people. Let’s absolutely not bring or deeply wounded selves into relationships and bleed on people who didn’t cut us. Absolutely, heal. Get yourself whole.

 Aside from that, though. I don’t believe there is a right time. There is only right now. This is the only moment we have for sure.

My mother had a boyfriend that I adored when I was a kid. Let’s call him Terry.

Terry emulated the wholesome dads he admired in the family sitcoms we sat on the sofa and watched together. Carl Winslow from Family Matters, Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Dr. Huxtable. We felt like those families when Terry was around. Like we were in a show where parents and children spent quality hours together and no transgression was left unlectured. If we watched a movie, Terry would have discussion questions ready after. When we played Monopoly, he’d explain our bad financial decisions and how we could’ve better strategized. 

It wasn’t all talking and TV watching. When we moved to a rough neighborhood and our home was burglarized every couple of months, Terry protected us. One of those times, burglars broke the deadbolt on our door and damaged the hinges to the point where it couldn’t be secured. Terry slept on the floor in front of the door until morning, when he would go to the hardware store and purchase items necessary to fix it.

I not only felt seen, but safe with Terry around.

A year or two into Terry’s relationship with our mother, my brother and I began orchestrating mock wedding ceremonies because we knew she wanted to marry him. We wanted the same. Organizing these trial runs was our way of trying to get Terry onboard. 

A ring from our mother’s jewelry box served as her wedding band. After we had the two of them repeat random vows, my brother or I would hand the ring to Terry so he could offer it to her. But Every time. Every. Single. Time. He pretended to tremble with nerves while our mother stretched forth her hand. He exaggerated the trembling and fumbling as he reached the ring toward her. Just as the fake symbol of commitment touched the tip of his bride’s finger, Terry dropped it to the floor. One of us kids would retrieve the ring from the carpet and give it back to Terry. We’d each grab one side of his arm, trying to hold it steady as he made another attempt. To the floor the ring went once more, right when we thought it might reach its destination.

We found the display hilarious. We’d roll on the floor with laughter and try again and again until our mother grew tired of the role play. She didn’t see any humor in Terry’s continued refusal to at least pretend to marry her. The only reason she played along at all, I think, was in hopes that one of those times he’d actually slide the ring down her finger. The action would signal he was warming up to the real thing.

I asked Terry eventually. “How come you don’t want to get married?”

“I want to get married someday, just not right now,” he said. 

His explanation was logical. Working in the maintenance department at a local elementary school, Terry wanted to get a better job to support the family he’d inherit. He wanted time to become the man who could meet the standards of husband and stepfather he would set for himself.

After what she deemed too long, however, my mother was fed up with Terry’s procrastination.  She was done waiting. Done pressuring. Done with fake, playful ceremonies. She ended their relationship and dove back into the dating pool. The sharks circled.

My mother’s next boyfriend was a monster. And it was years before Terry met and married someone new, and started his family.

I understood early that maybe marriage doesn’t need to be the goal. That how you’re treated matters more than who’s willing to walk down the aisle. I’ll take actual devotion over a legal document that declares it—but I know, my mother desired both.

I also understood the power of now. Of seizing the opportunity for pure love when you have it—not putting it off for a perfect tomorrow that may never come.

When I think of the importance if this, I think about my mother and Terry. How their perfect relationship went awry because one person wanted to wait. I think about these lines from “Un-thinkable (I’m Ready)” by Alicia Keys.

Why give up before we try?

Feel the lows before the highs

Clip our wings before we fly away

I can't say I came prepared

I'm suspended in the air

Won't you come be in the sky with me?

I love these lines because Alicia isn’t saying she feels fully prepped for the next phase of their relationship. She’s not claiming to have all the answers, but is saying, “let’s figure it out together.” This is a love language in itself. Ensuring the one you love never feels like they must face anything alone. 

I’m not advocating for succumbing to pressure from a partner. That’s the fastest way to set a union up for failure. If you don’t feel ready for commitment or progression, if you aren’t all-in and sure you want it, you probably shouldn’t do it. Just know that person, that love may not be there once you are. 

I am advocating for being all-in—on possibility, on living, on love. Instead of mulling over what could go wrong, place your focus on what can go right—and make it so. The timing is never wrong when its real.

That’s it for this season of Love Lines. If you’d like to read more about the incomparable Terry mentioned in this story, my book Daddy’s Little Stranger is out today and he is featured in all his family-man glory. You can get Daddy’s Little Stranger wherever you buy your books.

Happy Spring. I hope its magical.